I wish my life were a song sometimes. Last night Mark and I talked about our Dr’s visit and our next steps. As usual he didn’t want to talk about it. I just needed to know where his heart was at. After about an hour of digging and tears I found some things out:
1) I am obsessed with baby talk. I talk about names, nurseries, how to raise them, etc and that irritates Mark. He is sick and tired of talking about it. He said “You need help all you talk about are babies.”
2) He doesn’t want to adopt. If we can’t have biological children he wants to live a childless marriage.
3) He wasn’t expecting to hear “Kristi’s eggs are old and the chances of getting pregnant are now 25-30%.”
4) He’s not ready to decide what he wants to do next.
Well all of the above sucks really bad. The baby talk I can work on that I had no idea it bothered him. I don’t know how to not think about being a mom. It’s my hearts deepest desire so how do you tell you heart to shut up. His comment about adoption was very hard to hear I knew he didn’t like the idea but I wasn’t ready for I won’t adopt. That comment is spiritually the hardest because I really feel god calling me to adopt. Living a childless life isn’t an option for me. I want to be a mom more then anything in my life. I didn’t marry him because I want to be a wife I married him because I want a family. So I am now officially scared for my marriage and the dream I’ve had for 7 years now to have a family with my husband. I am working so hard with God on this and what I should do. How much longer do I wait for him to show me or is he showing me and I am not seeing it?
My mom helped me calm down and realize Mark needs time to process everything. He doesn’t just make a decision he needs to think it through. He just found out yesterday that the chances of us having a child are small. So I am going to try very hard to back off the baby talk, fertility talk for a few weeks. In the meantime I am going to make an appointment with a counselor to work through my thoughts, fears, and how to get to a place of peace. If my marriage is heading towards divorce I want to walk away with peace and love for Mark.