Wait Why Don’t You Wait

I wish my life were a song sometimes. Last night Mark and I talked about our Dr’s visit and our next steps. As usual he didn’t want to talk about it. I just needed to know where his heart was at. After about an hour of digging and tears I found some things out:

1) I am obsessed with baby talk. I talk about names, nurseries, how to raise them, etc and that irritates Mark. He is sick and tired of talking about it. He said “You need help all you talk about are babies.”
2) He doesn’t want to adopt. If we can’t have biological children he wants to live a childless marriage.
3) He wasn’t expecting to hear “Kristi’s eggs are old and the chances of getting pregnant are now 25-30%.”
4) He’s not ready to decide what he wants to do next.

Well all of the above sucks really bad. The baby talk I can work on that I had no idea it bothered him. I don’t know how to not think about being a mom. It’s my hearts deepest desire so how do you tell you heart to shut up. His comment about adoption was very hard to hear I knew he didn’t like the idea but I wasn’t ready for I won’t adopt. That comment is spiritually the hardest because I really feel god calling me to adopt. Living a childless life isn’t an option for me. I want to be a mom more then anything in my life. I didn’t marry him because I want to be a wife I married him because I want a family. So I am now officially scared for my marriage and the dream I’ve had for 7 years now to have a family with my husband. I am working so hard with God on this and what I should do. How much longer do I wait for him to show me or is he showing me and I am not seeing it?

My mom helped me calm down and realize Mark needs time to process everything. He doesn’t just make a decision he needs to think it through. He just found out yesterday that the chances of us having a child are small. So I am going to try very hard to back off the baby talk, fertility talk for a few weeks. In the meantime I am going to make an appointment with a counselor to work through my thoughts, fears, and how to get to a place of peace. If my marriage is heading towards divorce I want to walk away with peace and love for Mark.

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14 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Holly said,

    Kristi, I am so sorry… I feel your heartache. If we didn’t have the adoption option I would not be a mom right now… and I understand that your desire to be a mom is all-consuming, mine was too. I will pray for you and for your husband… God can work a miracle in his heart. You are stroner than you know!

  2. 3

    Ingrid said,

    Keeping you in my prayers Kristi. I completely understand about that deep desire to be a mother it was all consuming to me as well.

  3. 4

    Myndi said,

    Such a hard place to be in, for both you and your husband. Our DH’s sound very similar. Hopefully, with time, he’ll come around. Hopefully you’ll find some common ground that works for both of you.

    Best wishes. 🙂

  4. 5

    Suzy said,

    It’s so hard not to let it consume you. Hope the counselor helps you process your feelings!

  5. 6

    Emily said,

    Kristi,

    You have been in my prayers. I agree with your mom’s assessment. Give mark some time. He needs to digest.

    If you want, I see a wonderful therapist who specializes in IF. If you want her name let me know. Shoot me an email or give me a call if you still have your number.

    I can related to feeling helpless….my FET attempt #2 just failed. It’s so hard to not have control!

    Stay strong (says the girl that just finished crying!)

    Emily

  6. 7

    Bre said,

    Hi Kristi-

    I just wanted to add one more thing. When my dh and I talked about it, and I tried to make him understand, I told him that being a mom was integral to who I am. Like providing for us is to him. If he couldn’t provide consistently, if he has been trying and trying for years and couldn’t do it, he would have depression, anger, etc too.
    Once he understood that it was not just baby envy, that it is an integral part of being a woman, and that as a christian, a lot of how we are told our self worth is found is in being a mom. Then he really got it, and has explained it to others so they understand.

  7. 9

    Sugar can also get worried by my talking too much about babies, and I finally realized that part of that for her might be feeling left out — it’s always been the two of us, and here I am dreaming about how much I’d love some third party. It’s helped to be conscious of including my visions of her part in all this when I talk about it.

  8. 10

    arminta said,

    Your Mark sounds a lot like my G. At first he was annoyed by my all consuming need to be a mother NOW. He thought seeking out RE’s when I was “only 28” was too soon. He said “if it happens it happens.” He said “I can’t imagine loving an adopted child as much a a bio baby, I don’t want to consider adoption.”

    Then, my sister had a little boy, and that little boy ended up spending a lot of time with us. G fell in love with being looked up to by the little guy. He loved watching him learn and knowing that it was G that taught him. He changed from “if it happens great” to “I want to be a Dad” and from “No adoption” to “if we had to adopt it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”

    Then we did get pregnant with the help of an RE, and it looked like it was going to stick (it didn’t), and he was over the moon excited. Then when the baby died he was crushed. For a long while he talked about just living childlessly, but then he started talking about treatments and adoption again. He even pushed talking to some adoption agencies.

    All of that to say… guys need time to process things and decide how they really feel. Their feelings also can change (rather dramatically) based on their experiences. and by talking things out. But, unlike us, talking usually sends them in the other direction.

  9. 12

    Elaine said,

    I am in the same boat as you. I have designed ten nurseries in my head, but no baby to put one in. It is not easy. But do not lose hope…

  10. 14

    Yo-yo Mama said,

    When Sparring Partner and I first agreed to meet with an RE, we agreed that a couple IUIs and that was IT!

    Almost three years later (and 6 IUIs, 2 IVFs and finally a donor egg transfer) and we finally have what we started for with “one or two IUIs”.

    He found it impossible to accept how things would need to be, and I think those feelings were more difficult for him to come to terms with because we didn’t need any help with our first child.

    I agree that he definitely needs time to process everything the doctor told him. I also would advice you that you encourage him to come to EVERY appointment so he ears it directly from your doctor and NOT from you. Let him have some time. Many guys when faced with “all or nothing”, out of pride will take “nothing” without thinking it through.


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