My 1st Jealous Moment

So Saturday night I went out with one of my best girls.  She has been married two years in March.  They started trying to get pregnant in December 2009, December 2009 I said and she is pregnant.  We sat down to dinner and I ordered a drink. She did not she can’t drink with big excited eyes.  I pray my reaction was genuine and loving.  It is exciting; it’s exciting for her and her DH.  She is going to be a fantastic mom.  She felt bad telling me since we have been struggling so much but couldn’t keep it in.  I’ve been telling myself since the start of this ugly road I won’t get sad, upset, or angry when someone I love gets pregnant. So far I’ve done well with that until Saturday.  I kept it in till we parted ways and I was alone in my car. I cried hard and loud. Not because she’s pregnant and I want to be but because she got to have sex with her husband and have a family.  I so wish I could just have a great romp in the hay and create a child.  After my outburst I re-committed myself to feeling joy for my loved ones.  My struggles should never take away from another’s joy that is just selfish. I surround myself with folks I truly love and care for and would hate missing their joys.  So I have dug myself in and am back on the support train.  I can’t promise I won’t fall off it again but I will work with god everyday at keeping my compassion intact.

 My friend has been supportive and compassionate for the last 3 years. She has listened and prayed with me. So doesn’t she deserve the same from me?


7 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Baby On Mind said,

    I’m so sorry. It’s tough being in your situation. You want to rejoice for your friend, but yet you are sad because you wish it were you. I experienced the same thing with one of my close friends. She married 3 years after us, and got pregnant not long after. And she is a year older than me. They now have 2 kids who I adore.

    I’m so happy that you can commit to not taking others’ joy because of your struggles. I am not sure if I am that strong. Hang in there!

  2. 2

    Heather said,

    It is good to share in her joy but it is ok to be sad too. It is only natural.

  3. 3

    Elaine said,

    You have to allow yourself to feel what you feel, and you did just that. It is never easy to hear of a friend/family member that gets pregnant right away, when you struggle so much. She clearly supports and loves you as it sounds like she really put a lot of thought into how she told you her news.

  4. 4

    holly said,

    It is hard though, and nothing seems to change that. My very best friend is pregnant too… after kinda trying for 2 cycles. 2 cycles. I am overjoyed and thrilled for her and I will support her and love her baby so much… as she has always supported me and loved me since the 4th grade! but I still grieve for me…

  5. 5

    Myca said,

    Your complete honesty is so refreshing, I completely identify. I think this piece

    “Not because she’s pregnant and I want to be but because she got to have sex with her husband and have a family. I so wish I could just have a great romp in the hay and create a child. ”

    is the part I’ve mourned over the most in the past few months. Funny some times and devastating at others. My sister is pg and due this summer – we can stay strong, celebrate with our friends and family – and take a moment to grieve and cry in private. Thanks for the encouragement.


  6. 6

    kmina said,

    You are a normal human being. Your suffering gives you the ‘right’ to feel this way. This is very fubar – no one knows before hand how it will go, this perpetuating your genes thing. And it is not ‘granted’ according to one’s merits, intelligence, proven ability to care for a being, tenderness, empathy, whatever. It is a pure matter of luck. And most people are lucky that way. And the ones who are not are made to feel like failures because of it, even though this is clearly not the case.
    You do not know which side of the statistics you are until something happens. I am very sorry you got the nastier part of the statistics. I hope your journey through this nightmare will end soon, and your ticket out of it is just around the corner.
    And don’t feel bad for what you feel – it is very normal and normal people can understand that.

  7. 7

    oh sweetie, im so sorry. it’s ok to have your moments every now and then. this road is hard but you’re handling it with grace. keep up the good work!

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