I am down to my last 3 BCP’s then the Dr appointments begin. For the most part I am excited to get going because I feel much better about the Grove. They have such a great success rate I can’t imagine it not working. My spirit is ready for the drugs, dates with Mr. Wand and the very hopeful outcome that I will be a mother come January 2011. But….
The 9 months in between scare the hell out of me. I’ve never been pregnant and I don’t know what my body will think. Will I be sick as a dog with MS, be put on bed rest, gestestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia. Will I become depressed from not working out, being over weight and not RIDING. Not getting to ride my horse is the hardest part for me to accept. I have been riding since I was 6 on average 4 days a week. So I have been riding for 29 years, 348 months, 1508 weeks, 6032 days. Riding is my therapy and has helped me deal with the death of my brother, divorce of my parents, many bad boyfriends, fights with my mom, and fights with Mark. So I will have to work extra hard at not getting sad for not riding and focus on the little person growing inside.
Then there are the complications with the baby. Miscarriage, still birth, D&C, and losing a twin. Being part of the stirrup queen group has been amazing and I have learned so much and have gotten a ton of support. But there is a very sad, dark, real side to it. The losses, complications and worry. I never knew so many things could go wrong with my baby inside. I will lean on god a lot over the next several months to keep me positive and hopeful for a happy, healthy baby.
To those that have lost a baby. I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine the sadness and anger you feel towards life, god, others. You are in my prayers.