Scared that it might actually work

I am down to my last 3 BCP’s then the Dr appointments begin. For the most part I am excited to get going because I feel much better about the Grove. They have such a great success rate I can’t imagine it not working. My spirit is ready for the drugs, dates with Mr. Wand and the very hopeful outcome that I will be a mother come January 2011. But….

The 9 months in between scare the hell out of me. I’ve never been pregnant and I don’t know what my body will think. Will I be sick as a dog with MS, be put on bed rest, gestestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia. Will I become depressed from not working out, being over weight and not RIDING. Not getting to ride my horse is the hardest part for me to accept. I have been riding since I was 6 on average 4 days a week. So I have been riding for 29 years, 348 months, 1508 weeks, 6032 days. Riding is my therapy and has helped me deal with the death of my brother, divorce of my parents, many bad boyfriends, fights with my mom, and fights with Mark. So I will have to work extra hard at not getting sad for not riding and focus on the little person growing inside.

Then there are the complications with the baby. Miscarriage, still birth, D&C, and losing a twin. Being part of the stirrup queen group has been amazing and I have learned so much and have gotten a ton of support. But there is a very sad, dark, real side to it. The losses, complications and worry. I never knew so many things could go wrong with my baby inside. I will lean on god a lot over the next several months to keep me positive and hopeful for a happy, healthy baby.

To those that have lost a baby. I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine the sadness and anger you feel towards life, god, others. You are in my prayers.

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11 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    a said,

    All I can say is…don’t go borrowing trouble. Take it one step at a time. Yes, there are a million things that can go wrong, but that doesn’t mean they WILL go wrong. Just do everything you can to make the the conditions suitable, and let prayer and faith and determination take you through. Much luck.

  2. 3

    Heather said,

    This is one of the cruelest parts of infertility. Even if you do get pregnant, it can steal the joy. The community is great but seeing what can go wrong can steal the happiness. I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy more. I just worried the whole time.

    And listen to what A said.

    I hope that not riding is your biggest issue over the nine months. Got everything crossed for ya!!

  3. 4

    Jenn said,

    You are normal to worry about all the what if’s but when you get your BFP you have to let all that go. When I got mine I was over the moon but also very cautious. However, at 9 weeks I let all that go and started documenting my pregnancy in a journal. I pasted in u/s and week by week belly pics. After I lost my twins at 12 wks I was so glad I made the journal because there is no way I could make the journal now. Even as I type this tears slide down my cheeks b/c the pain is still so raw. But the joy I felt when I was pregnant was incredible and I’m so glad I have my journal to showcase those weeks of happiness our babies brought to our life.
    Remember ~ what you think about, you bring about. Only happy thoughts 🙂

  4. 6

    Ernie said,

    Yeah, it is impossible not to be consumed with worry. Impossible for me anyway. I really hope you get your BFP this cycle, and that your joy outweighs your worry!

    You’ll still be able to workout while pregnant! Maybe not as hard as before, but you can definitely stay active. I am sure giving up riding will be very hard though!

    Best wishes! I’ve got my hopes up for you this cycle.

  5. 7

    Wishing4One said,

    I so get it. I feel the very same way, right now. I am coming up on 12 weeks, end of the first trimester and am so scared. I am so waiting for the next ultrasound, but I am keeping positive too. There are indeed many things that can happen and have to so many of these awesome bloggers, but we have to focus and believe, hope, pray that all will go right. Wishing you a very successful attemopt and may it be the one that makes you a mommy in 2011. xoxo

  6. 8

    Funsize said,

    I used to ride (English), since I was 12 years old. Work and pregnancy have kept me from riding for the past 3 years and I miss it so much. But, being on the other side of pregnancy, I would gladly trade riding for my baby. And while I haven’t had any fertility issues, I did lose my first born, and had 2 subsequent miscarriages. The worry of my 4th pregnancy was immeasurable, I was terrified that something (like pre-eclampsia or stillbirth) would happen and I was constantly on pins and needles during the pregnancy.

    After going through it all, sacrificing my riding and the anxiety of the pregnancy was worth every single bit. I hope you never have to go through any pregnancy issues, or lose a baby, because it is probably the single most devastating thing to happen, but the reward is worth the risk. Besides, you can always teach your baby your love of horses and riding.

    *hugs*

  7. 9

    babybaker said,

    you’re getting so close! i completely understand the worry, but try not to let your mind go there. focus on now. focus on your ovaries growing healthy eggs. focus on a smooth retrieval and a great fertilization report. focus on getting those babies back into your womb where they belong. focus on the positive. it’s so hard, i know! but hope is greater than fear. good luck!

  8. 10

    katery said,

    it’s definitely hard not to worry when you are aware of all the things that can go wrong, you have to train your mind not to think about it, everytime you start having a bad thought you have to say to yourself, no, i am not going to think about that. it helps if you have a word or mantra to chant over and over until the thought goes away. and being pregnant doesn’t mean that you have to be overweight or stop exercising, i only gained ten pounds while i was pregnant and ended up weighing less after i had the baby then i did before i got pregnant. you might have to modify your exercise routine a little bit, but at the very least you should still be able to walk, put those thoughts of bedrest out of your head!

  9. 11

    Hey – I can totally relate to those fears! Try to just take each day as it comes!

    Best of luck!!!


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