I normally am such a positive person and try to see the good in everything. But after our transfer I feel so defeated by this whole process. I have no hope, no desire to take the beta blood test, or HP test. I only want to test so I can get back to my normal life. The only thing I’m looking forward to on May 18th is getting the clear to ride, or take a dance class. I feel like I am pushing a boulder up hill but it keeps slipping backwards. I want to push the boulder of IVF out of the way and just get to the other side called Motherhood.
I have been seeking so-so embryo success stories online to help instill some hope but it’s not working. Many women have shared their success story which is so fantastic and kind but still I feel none. Every time I do my vaginal insert and take my endometrium pills I laugh. “Like this is so stupid that I am wasting sexy underwear on a pile of lies.” I know I’m not helping the embryos with my bad, pissy attitude but I frankly don’t think they are still in there.
If by some miracle this does work I will owe my little one a HUGE apology and beg for god’s forgiveness and my peanuts.
Dear Little Embryo(s), if you are in there working very hard at becoming my peanut. I am sorry for being such a Debbie Downer. You deserve a happy mom. I promise you if you are growing I will love you more then you could ever know. You will be cherished everyday without fail. Even when your 14 and tell me I am stupid and you hate me. Or 2 and slap my face and say NO. Love, mom