Hope, where have you gone?

I normally am such a positive person and try to see the good in everything. But after our transfer I feel so defeated by this whole process. I have no hope, no desire to take the beta blood test, or HP test. I only want to test so I can get back to my normal life. The only thing I’m looking forward to on May 18th is getting the clear to ride, or take a dance class. I feel like I am pushing a boulder up hill but it keeps slipping backwards.  I want to push the boulder of IVF out of the way and just get to the other side called Motherhood.

I have been seeking so-so embryo success stories online to help instill some hope but it’s not working. Many women have shared their success story which is so fantastic and kind but still I feel none.  Every time I do my vaginal insert and take my endometrium pills I laugh. “Like this is so stupid that I am wasting sexy underwear on a pile of lies.”  I know I’m not helping the embryos with my bad, pissy attitude but I frankly don’t think they are still in there.

If by some miracle this does work I will owe my little one a HUGE apology and beg for god’s forgiveness and my peanuts.  

Dear Little Embryo(s), if you are in there working very hard at becoming my peanut. I am sorry for being such a Debbie Downer. You deserve a happy mom.  I promise you if you are growing I will love you more then you could ever know. You will be cherished everyday without fail. Even when your 14 and tell me I am stupid and you hate me. Or 2 and slap my face and say NO.  Love, mom


5 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Cousin Sara said,

    Kristi, I so feel for you. I have been waiting to hear how it all went…praying and thinking about you….I know it is hard to stay positive.

  2. 2

    April said,

    I feel your pain! Our eggs started out great. Thought we were going to have some to freeze. Then by the transfer day…they were just like yours. 10-15% chance. At this point…it is so hard. I competely know how you are feeling right now because I felt the same way!
    Just remember that God does work miracles. Try to stay positive! Hang in there! Hugs to you from Missouri!

  3. 3

    Jenn said,

    I know the waiting is so hard but you can’t let the unknown creep in an steal this time from you. It’s hard to find the success stories when you need them so bad to pick you back up. Just keep reminding yourself that women in your exact same situation get unexpected miracles all the time! Hang in there

  4. 4

    Wishing4One said,

    Hang in there girl. Its a tough thing especially waiting during this time, but you never know your little peanut(s) may just be settling in. Positivity and optimism is hard, I know. Thinking of you. xoxo

  5. 5

    Jenn said,

    The roller coaster is horrendous. Should be banned from the park. It’s terribly hard, there’s no denying that. Good luck on your wait. Stay busy and plan some fun for you and your husband. I just finished our 6th 2 week wait. 3 IUI’s, 1 fresh IVF, and 2 FET. I wish you the best!

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