By leaning on my faith and my relationship with god I know infertility is my cross to bear. It’s the weight that keeps my spirit just below joy. It’s the slivers of wood that dig into my skin reminding me of the needles, blood tests, and ultrasounds. It’s my angry moments with god for asking me to forgo motherhood for now. It’s the humiliation of people wondering when is she going to have children. But just as Christ was freed from his cross and rose to higher place. I too will rise to a higher place and the glory of motherhood will shine bright.
Throughout my struggles I am constantly reminded of others struggling with their own cross. My mother fought breast cancer 2 years ago; my brother has been financially struggling for a few years now, my dad struggles with diabetes and heart issues. Just yesterday we found out my 2 year old nephew was diagnosed with autism. It’s these reminders that keep me in check that I am not the only one with a cross to bear. Though I don’t wish hardship on anyone I need these reminders. They prevent me from wading in my own self pity and despair. Knowing I am not the only one with a cross to bear lifts some weight off my cross.
Since the miscarriage I’ve realized this struggle is making me a stronger woman, wife, and future mother. I am preparing to love my child with every ounce of fight it took to get them here. These stones god has lain before me are there to strengthen me and I believe my reward will be a blessing beyond my imagination.
If you’re reading this post and your not a believer or you don’t have a relationship with god that’s ok. I respect each person’s choice to believe, believe in something else (Hindu, Buddhist, and Muslim) and not believe. But wherever you stand you are not alone. There are others that know exactly how you feel and care about you.