Crossing Over

I mentioned a few weeks ago I was working on a post about crossing over the infertility bridge.  I’ve spent the last 3 weeks thinking about what to write now that I’ve had a chance to be a mother.

For those still waiting for your call to motherhood trust me when I say never give up.  You will be a mother someday. It might not look like you dreamed, motherhood might come in another form or down a different path then you can ever imagine.

I’ve mentioned in the past I always thought I was meant to adopt, still do.  I never really thought god was calling me to pregnancy, and biological children.  I yearned to adopt I want to get that call from some agency, lawyer, or missionary that my child was ready.  Now that might still happen but it’s in gods hands, I know that now. I spent so many nights praying for god to open Mark’s heart to adoption.  In the end it wasn’t Mark’s heart that needed to change it was mine.  I had to lay it down for god and listen for his calling.  So called he did, to have 2 biological children. One here on earth and one in heaven.  Going through all the IVF’s was never that hard because I always heard in my mind “I’m meant to adopt”. So I never planned on the IVF’s working.

God you are great, you are graceful and merciful. Forgive me for doubting your path for me. Forgive me for trying to force what I thought was meant to be.  Your gift of Rachel is beyond anything I could have imagined.  She is perfect in everyway and your work is amazing.

Being a mother is all that I expected and more.  Right now it is way more demanding that I planned, especially with breast feeding.  I’m doing it because it’s whats best for her and I. I’m doing it because it’s a challenge(Cowgirl Up) but believe me I want to quit almost everyday.  It takes alot of time and energy to breast feed and understand why folks quit or never get started.

Sleeping doesn’t happen much in large part because she refuses to be let down. Unless she is in her car seat moving, in her bouncy seat or being rocked. I am trying to figure out how to change that but have no ideas yet. I own this problem because until the last couple days I haven’t wanted to put her down.  But now I am getting over that I need freedom and she needs to learn to sleep in a crib or bassinet.

Help is crucial to my success.  Cudos to those having to do it alone.  My mom then Mark’s parents were here for the 1st couple weeks. I LOVED that and it helped me a ton.  I could feed her, get her to sleep then hand her off to someone so I can shower, do an errand or see my horse.  The help is gone and Mark took his 1st work trip this week. Oh lord do I miss the help.

The honest statement.  I need Kristi time or I get cranky.  I was so independant before having Rachel it’s been a hard adjustment being home 22 hours of the day. Yes I get to get out and go to the store, run to the barn quick but because of breast feeding she needs me close.  90% of the day I love being with her, kissing her, talking to her, playing with her but the other 10% wasn’t something I thought of. It’s that 10% that has me thinking maybe going back to work won’t be so bad. It’s selfish I know but will it help me be a better mom, only time will tell.

Am I happy I’ve finally crossed over to motherhood. Hot damn you bet it’s amazing and I look forward to everyday.  Sometimes I just stare and her and wonder, how did I get so lucky.  I always knew I was meant to be a mom I just didn’t know how good and natural it would feel.

God is so good!


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