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5 Year Anniversary

5 years ago today I married my handsome, fun, smart husband.  I am biased but think our wedding was beautiful and our honeymoon to Spain was amazing.

Our first 3 years were rough with year 3 being the worst.  I couldn’t wait for anniversary #3 to get over with because we spent the entire year fighting over our path to children. I wanted to adopt he wanted to do IVF.  Midway through year #3 I handed my marriage and path to children over to god.  Well only god knew that year #4 would start out with an amazing positive home pregnancy test.  Then before we knew it our amazing Rachel came into our lives.  We finished out year #4 loving on a 4 month old baby girl. A baby girl, that has brought Mark and I together stronger then ever. I know it’s not her job to heal us of the hurt, anger and resentment we felt in year #3. But her love is working wonders on our marriage and love.  We share an intense love for this little girl.  That love is helping us work together and learn together. Tonight we are going out to dinner to celebrate making it 5 years.  But this year our dinner won’t just be the 2 of us.  We find it only fitting to bring along our little miracle and toast to our future. 

Here is our latest family photo from Rachels baptism in August..I love saying our family!

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What a Difference a Year Makes

This time last year I was:

Preparing for my 3 day transfer (again)

I was holding out hope that 1 of the 2 embryos that made it would be our forever baby

I had given up my journey to motherhood to god

I was hanging out with the in-laws completing my 3rd round of IVF

I had finished injecting powerful drugs into my body

I turned to bee pollen, CQ10, Wheatgrass and acupuncture to help grow healthier eggs

Here is the link to my post from September 20, 2010

This year I am:

A MOM!!!!!!!

I kiss little toes and fingers

I breastfeed a beautiful little girl

I read story books and say bedtime prayers

I say “I Love You” many many times a day

I praise god nightly for his masterpiece

I haven’t taken much time to look back on the painful years before Rachel. I am living in the moment of being her mom. I am enjoying every second of it. I don’t mind the sleepless nights, I cherish every breath. She is my perfect lamb and I will never forget what it took to get her here.  But the painful times are still there.  Mark has mentioned a couple times “Maybe we should try for another.”  For me I can’t even go there, I don’t want to walk down that difficult road again, not now anyway.  The joy and love I feel shouldn’t be taken away by the fear of miscarriages, drug induced mood swings, embarrassing surgeries, needles and more needles.  Rachel has earned the right to have a happy and hopeful mom. 

If you are still on that difficult road please read my story as inspiration.  I know it can be hard to believe that your dream will come true but it can.  When I realized that my path to motherhood could come in many different forms, adoption, fostering, etc that’s when peace took over my journey.

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Crossing Over

I mentioned a few weeks ago I was working on a post about crossing over the infertility bridge.  I’ve spent the last 3 weeks thinking about what to write now that I’ve had a chance to be a mother.

For those still waiting for your call to motherhood trust me when I say never give up.  You will be a mother someday. It might not look like you dreamed, motherhood might come in another form or down a different path then you can ever imagine.

I’ve mentioned in the past I always thought I was meant to adopt, still do.  I never really thought god was calling me to pregnancy, and biological children.  I yearned to adopt I want to get that call from some agency, lawyer, or missionary that my child was ready.  Now that might still happen but it’s in gods hands, I know that now. I spent so many nights praying for god to open Mark’s heart to adoption.  In the end it wasn’t Mark’s heart that needed to change it was mine.  I had to lay it down for god and listen for his calling.  So called he did, to have 2 biological children. One here on earth and one in heaven.  Going through all the IVF’s was never that hard because I always heard in my mind “I’m meant to adopt”. So I never planned on the IVF’s working.

God you are great, you are graceful and merciful. Forgive me for doubting your path for me. Forgive me for trying to force what I thought was meant to be.  Your gift of Rachel is beyond anything I could have imagined.  She is perfect in everyway and your work is amazing.

Being a mother is all that I expected and more.  Right now it is way more demanding that I planned, especially with breast feeding.  I’m doing it because it’s whats best for her and I. I’m doing it because it’s a challenge(Cowgirl Up) but believe me I want to quit almost everyday.  It takes alot of time and energy to breast feed and understand why folks quit or never get started.

Sleeping doesn’t happen much in large part because she refuses to be let down. Unless she is in her car seat moving, in her bouncy seat or being rocked. I am trying to figure out how to change that but have no ideas yet. I own this problem because until the last couple days I haven’t wanted to put her down.  But now I am getting over that I need freedom and she needs to learn to sleep in a crib or bassinet.

Help is crucial to my success.  Cudos to those having to do it alone.  My mom then Mark’s parents were here for the 1st couple weeks. I LOVED that and it helped me a ton.  I could feed her, get her to sleep then hand her off to someone so I can shower, do an errand or see my horse.  The help is gone and Mark took his 1st work trip this week. Oh lord do I miss the help.

The honest statement.  I need Kristi time or I get cranky.  I was so independant before having Rachel it’s been a hard adjustment being home 22 hours of the day. Yes I get to get out and go to the store, run to the barn quick but because of breast feeding she needs me close.  90% of the day I love being with her, kissing her, talking to her, playing with her but the other 10% wasn’t something I thought of. It’s that 10% that has me thinking maybe going back to work won’t be so bad. It’s selfish I know but will it help me be a better mom, only time will tell.

Am I happy I’ve finally crossed over to motherhood. Hot damn you bet it’s amazing and I look forward to everyday.  Sometimes I just stare and her and wonder, how did I get so lucky.  I always knew I was meant to be a mom I just didn’t know how good and natural it would feel.

God is so good!

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Good Bye My Sweet Puppy

Well it’s taken me a few days to come back and update my last post.  I won’t relive the whole story because it hurts too much.

Long story short – my compassionate and kind vet took it upon herself to do an ultrasound Friday night after I left him resting in his hospital cage.  Her gut just told her something else was going on because he still was paralyzed and now passing bloody stool.  The ultrasound revealed a tumor on his spleen and liver.  She called me at 6:30pm as I was driving in the country with Mark and my mom.  I went into la la land crying for the next hour because I knew what the tumors meant.  It was time to say good-bye to my fur baby.  Saturday morning my mom, Mark and I met the vet(she was supposed to go on vacation but came it just for me).  We spent time with him crying, kissing and hugging him.  It was so hard because he was so alert and normal(minus the paralysis). It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  Who knew you could love a dog so much.

I have spent the last 3 days crying, grieving and just plain being super sad.

The thing helping me through his loss is seeing gods grace, mercy and love every where.  From the timing of pumpkins arrival, the kindness of the vet, to the last 10 days I’ve had alone with him.  Since I have been on vacation since memorial day Gordy and I have spent every minute together.  We watched soaps together, napped, he got steak, hot dogs, all the horse manure he could stand and lots of my undivided attention.

Tomorrow will be a whole new story one I pray filled with 10 fingers and 10 toes.  Someone said to me yesterday “You have to experience the lowest of lows before you experience the highest of highs.”  I pray that it’s true and meeting Pumpkin takes my heart and spirit to a place I can’t imagine.  See you soon….

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Breech, C-Section and a very Sick Dog

Well here is one of hopefully very few pity posts.

1st – My sweet dog of almost 15 years is in the hospital.  Tuesday night he had gone to the barn with me.  He did his usual thing of sniffing, eating and hunting all things tasty.  Tuesday night he had an accident in the house, then another and another.  Wednesday morning I put him in the yard while I cleaned up the mess. I come back outside a few minutes later and he’s yelping in the backyard unable to move his hind end.  I run back inside to get my purse and come back out to find him laying down on the other side of the yard.  I pick him up and carry him to the vet.  He has been there for 36 hours with hind leg paralysis.  They are pumping him with IV fluids and trying out steroids, muscle relaxers, etc.  I am heading back in the morning to check on him again.  If he’s not better soon I will have to make the heart wrenching decision to put him to sleep.  Now I haven’t posted much about him because well I knew if I did it would probably be a farewell post and I just couldn’t stomach it.  But trust me when I say I love this dog, he has been my best friend, companion and baby for almost 15 years.  He has seen and done everything with me.  I wish he could live forever but I know that’s not possible.  I just would love to get a few more weeks with  him.

2nd – We met with my normal OB today for our weekly check up.  My normal OB has been out due to a hysterectomy the past month. So I have been seeing the other OB’s in the practice and all 3 for the last 3 weeks have been saying pumpkin was head down.  Well my normal OB took a little longer look see today and said “I’m not sure that’s a head.”  So out came the US machine and sure enough her butt is down and her head it up by my ribs.  Awesome!

3rd – There is little to no chance she is going to turn for me to have a vaginal delivery so we are scheduled for a c-section on Tuesday June 14th. Now the surgery doesn’t scare so much but the recovery does.  I don’t love the idea of being cut open and spending several weeks recouping.  But I don’t have much choice and I want pumpkin her safely. 

So as you can see I haven’t had the best couple of days.  But I do see gods grace and mercy all over this week.  The grace that pumpkin hasn’t arrived when I am trying to fight for my sick puppy.  The mercy that I have a scheduled c-section now which gives me more time to deal with said sick puppy and prepare for a c-section. 

So if you’re a christian and can pray for me I would appreciate it.  I need the peace and strength to do whats best for my dog.  If I have to say good-bye I pray for gods warmth to surround me so I can be the mother pumpkin needs.  If there is a miracle out there that my puppy can get stronger quickly so I can have a few more weeks with him I would appreciate it. The joy in knowing my little miracle will be here in 5 days.

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I don’t take you for granted

Earlier today I was reading through the list on Lost and Found Connections Abound.  I check this list every time Mel updates it. I enjoy reading the BFP posts, arrivals, celebrations, and know my spirit needs to pray, mourn; grieve for those that don’t have such positive news.  It felt so good to have that support while going through my IVF’s and miscarriage.  It’s also a weekly reminder to thank god for every kick, punch, roll, etc.  I am thankful for hearing her heartbeat with my Doppler. (Yes I still check on her)

I am honored and humbled at the gift god has bestowed upon me.  I thank him every day for keeping her safe and growing.  I thank him for the movement and even the back pain.  My back hurts everyday but I don’t want to complain or discredit why I have back pain.  I read these stories of loss whether it’s early, mid term or still birth and they all break my heart.  I wish I could take away their pain and loss. I don’t have the power to do that but I can be grateful everyday for my pumpkin. 

If you’re reading this and you have lost a pumpkin, I am so sorry.  I pray your dreams come true someday soon.

To my pumpkin I will continue to thank god for you. I won’t ever take your life and how amazing it is for granted. You were chosen to be my daughter and I am so blessed.  I will spend my life caring for and loving you. 

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God Won’t Let Me Take a Break

I posted a few days ago that I was going to take a break from reading blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, etc.  It’s just a scary reminder that things can change on a dime.  But this past Sunday I was doing a bible study called the Jesus Creed.  I am to practice saying at least 2-3 times a day for a month: 

  • I will love god above all things
  • I will love my neighbor as myself

So far I’ve done it; yes it’s only been 3 days. But really it’s how I feel so it shouldn’t be that hard to say.  So as I was reading through the LFCA posts I thought to myself I will love my neighbors as myself.  So off I went to comment and pray for the ladies who have miscarried this week.  I paused 1st and thought I really don’t want to read the stories. But my spirit reminded me that these women need the love and support.  They were there for me when I miscarried and will be there if it happens again.  This spirituality thing is an amazing experience.  When you open your heart up to god you become a different person.  I know I have a long way to go in my relationship with god but I’m looking forward to the road ahead.  

I’m sorry for the few ladies I didn’t comment to but I was praying for you.  

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