Archive for miscarriage

What a Difference a Year Makes

This time last year I was:

Preparing for my 3 day transfer (again)

I was holding out hope that 1 of the 2 embryos that made it would be our forever baby

I had given up my journey to motherhood to god

I was hanging out with the in-laws completing my 3rd round of IVF

I had finished injecting powerful drugs into my body

I turned to bee pollen, CQ10, Wheatgrass and acupuncture to help grow healthier eggs

Here is the link to my post from September 20, 2010

This year I am:

A MOM!!!!!!!

I kiss little toes and fingers

I breastfeed a beautiful little girl

I read story books and say bedtime prayers

I say “I Love You” many many times a day

I praise god nightly for his masterpiece

I haven’t taken much time to look back on the painful years before Rachel. I am living in the moment of being her mom. I am enjoying every second of it. I don’t mind the sleepless nights, I cherish every breath. She is my perfect lamb and I will never forget what it took to get her here.  But the painful times are still there.  Mark has mentioned a couple times “Maybe we should try for another.”  For me I can’t even go there, I don’t want to walk down that difficult road again, not now anyway.  The joy and love I feel shouldn’t be taken away by the fear of miscarriages, drug induced mood swings, embarrassing surgeries, needles and more needles.  Rachel has earned the right to have a happy and hopeful mom. 

If you are still on that difficult road please read my story as inspiration.  I know it can be hard to believe that your dream will come true but it can.  When I realized that my path to motherhood could come in many different forms, adoption, fostering, etc that’s when peace took over my journey.

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I don’t take you for granted

Earlier today I was reading through the list on Lost and Found Connections Abound.  I check this list every time Mel updates it. I enjoy reading the BFP posts, arrivals, celebrations, and know my spirit needs to pray, mourn; grieve for those that don’t have such positive news.  It felt so good to have that support while going through my IVF’s and miscarriage.  It’s also a weekly reminder to thank god for every kick, punch, roll, etc.  I am thankful for hearing her heartbeat with my Doppler. (Yes I still check on her)

I am honored and humbled at the gift god has bestowed upon me.  I thank him every day for keeping her safe and growing.  I thank him for the movement and even the back pain.  My back hurts everyday but I don’t want to complain or discredit why I have back pain.  I read these stories of loss whether it’s early, mid term or still birth and they all break my heart.  I wish I could take away their pain and loss. I don’t have the power to do that but I can be grateful everyday for my pumpkin. 

If you’re reading this and you have lost a pumpkin, I am so sorry.  I pray your dreams come true someday soon.

To my pumpkin I will continue to thank god for you. I won’t ever take your life and how amazing it is for granted. You were chosen to be my daughter and I am so blessed.  I will spend my life caring for and loving you. 

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Do you have a natural pregnancy or did you go through IVF?

I am standing in the lobby of our company waiting for some guests to arrive.  A co-worker comes up and asks “Did you get pregnant naturally or through invitro?”  

I paused for a second or 2 to process my shock of such a bold question.  I don’t talk to this person often mostly a quick hello, how are you.  There were other co-workers in the lobby including a receptionist.  Our company has 150+ employees at my location.  So there I stood telling her my story as she asked questions.  It was an out of body experience but one that reminded me of the struggles I’ve been through.  She will have to go through IVF due to an elective tubal ligation she had in early 20’s.  She was sure she was going to adopt until she met her husband who doesn’t want to adopt. So if she wants children she has to go through IVF.  

A couple hours have passed and I am still in shock. Why would she suggest I went through IVF, unless people talk?  Now I haven’t hidden my struggles but I have been very select in who I tell at work.  Now I am flattered that I could answer her questions about IVF, clinics, cost, etc. But on the other hand I am irritated that I was asked “Is your pregnancy natural?”  My desire to have this child is 100% natural; my love for this child is 100% natural, there is nothing unnatural about this pregnancy.  How I got there wasn’t natural. The question just hurt a little. Maybe because it reminded me that, I didn’t get to make love to my husband and create this child. Maybe it reminded me that my body failed at getting pregnant for a long time.

So the answer is “No I went through IVF 3 times, lost a pregnancy and almost broke my spirit and my marriage along the way.”

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Today’s Our Big Day

We head to our 1st ultrasound today at 7 weeks to hopefully see our little one.  I have put it off as long as Dr C will let me.  I needed to give our little one a chance to grow nice and healthy.  I am going to try really heard not to have a nervous breakdown, throw up, cry, etc.  I can tell Mark is on edge too he didn’t sleep well last night and was snappy this morning.  If we don’t see a heartbeat and we repeat our missed miscarriage I will need to take a few days off from the outside world.  

But on paper I have no reason to think something is wrong. I have sore boobs, the veins are growing, my belly is growing, I’m tired all day, I pee a lot, and I am moody. The blood work has been spot on so far and thank god I haven’t bled.  So if it weren’t for the June miscarriage I would be very excited for today’s appointment.  I have lots of folks praying for us so what else can we do. I’ve done everything I can to grow a healthy peanut. 

I did get the toes painted this week. My normal nail girl wasn’t there so her teenage son had to do my toes.  Hence the very uneven hearts but he tried really hard and added glitter. Yes I have short, stubby toes I blame it on my italian heritage.

The heels have been chosen but knowing Mark he will tell me to take them off but I will try. He can be a party pooper sometimes.

So send any and all prayers and wishes for our 3pm ultrasound today.  Hopefully I will be back later today with a great report.

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God Won’t Let Me Take a Break

I posted a few days ago that I was going to take a break from reading blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, etc.  It’s just a scary reminder that things can change on a dime.  But this past Sunday I was doing a bible study called the Jesus Creed.  I am to practice saying at least 2-3 times a day for a month: 

  • I will love god above all things
  • I will love my neighbor as myself

So far I’ve done it; yes it’s only been 3 days. But really it’s how I feel so it shouldn’t be that hard to say.  So as I was reading through the LFCA posts I thought to myself I will love my neighbors as myself.  So off I went to comment and pray for the ladies who have miscarried this week.  I paused 1st and thought I really don’t want to read the stories. But my spirit reminded me that these women need the love and support.  They were there for me when I miscarried and will be there if it happens again.  This spirituality thing is an amazing experience.  When you open your heart up to god you become a different person.  I know I have a long way to go in my relationship with god but I’m looking forward to the road ahead.  

I’m sorry for the few ladies I didn’t comment to but I was praying for you.  

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Taking a break from loss

Out of self preservation I am going to take a break from reading stories of miscarriages, still births, etc. At least until I am blessed to hit the 2nd trimester.  I can’t read those heartbreaking stories any more without sending my brain and heart into over drive.  I will still say prayers and send virtual hugs but I can’t read the stories right now. Another blogger friend of mine had to do the same thing once she got pregnant with her twins. She said I just stopped reading the loss announcements because it was to hard.  When she 1st told me that a few months ago I thought well these ladies need my prayers. But I understand her now and feel the same. I will still keep the prayers coming just anonymously.

If you’re in the midst of a loss I am so sorry it’s devastating I know.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers but I can’t visit your blogs right now.

It’s going to take all my positive energy to make it through the US without throwing up or bawling my eyes out.  I guess our miscarriage took a bigger toll on me then I thought. I have 8 days to go before the big day.  If we see a heartbeat I am going to FREAK out.  I know I can still miscarry but right now that is the golden ring.  

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Happy 1st Blogoversary

Today marks 1 year since I started this humble piece of journaling(1st Post).  Finding the Stirrup Queen community has been such a blessing.  The love and support I get has helped me walk this horrible road of infertility with a fuller heart.  I have made some very cool friends, friends that know more about me then some visible friends.  Without this community I would be a hot mess, crying in ball wondering why me.  Sadly there are many of you going through the same struggles as me. Selfishly I need you folks to walk with me hand in hand.

I pray that we all get our happy endings no matter what that looks like.

This past year has seen a lot of tears, angry words said between Mark and I, and disappointment. Of course I never would have imagined I would be working my way through 3 IVF procedures. I never thought I would still be struggling to be a mom while my friends pass me by with their 1st, 2nd or 3rd child.  But… I also never imagined I would be more resolved in my desire to be a mom, I never imagined Mark would place crosses in our empty nursery, I never imagined the love I would feel for my lost child, I never imagined I would open up to my family and friends and get more love and support then a girl could ask for.

Now for the fun part.  I thought about what to giveaway; jewelry, candles, t-shirt, etc but I settled on something I love to get besides money.  If you would like to win a $10 Star.bucks gift card leave a comment.  I will do the drawing on Friday, October 1st at 4pm.  Once the winner is pulled I will email you for your home address.

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