Crossing Over

I mentioned a few weeks ago I was working on a post about crossing over the infertility bridge.  I’ve spent the last 3 weeks thinking about what to write now that I’ve had a chance to be a mother.

For those still waiting for your call to motherhood trust me when I say never give up.  You will be a mother someday. It might not look like you dreamed, motherhood might come in another form or down a different path then you can ever imagine.

I’ve mentioned in the past I always thought I was meant to adopt, still do.  I never really thought god was calling me to pregnancy, and biological children.  I yearned to adopt I want to get that call from some agency, lawyer, or missionary that my child was ready.  Now that might still happen but it’s in gods hands, I know that now. I spent so many nights praying for god to open Mark’s heart to adoption.  In the end it wasn’t Mark’s heart that needed to change it was mine.  I had to lay it down for god and listen for his calling.  So called he did, to have 2 biological children. One here on earth and one in heaven.  Going through all the IVF’s was never that hard because I always heard in my mind “I’m meant to adopt”. So I never planned on the IVF’s working.

God you are great, you are graceful and merciful. Forgive me for doubting your path for me. Forgive me for trying to force what I thought was meant to be.  Your gift of Rachel is beyond anything I could have imagined.  She is perfect in everyway and your work is amazing.

Being a mother is all that I expected and more.  Right now it is way more demanding that I planned, especially with breast feeding.  I’m doing it because it’s whats best for her and I. I’m doing it because it’s a challenge(Cowgirl Up) but believe me I want to quit almost everyday.  It takes alot of time and energy to breast feed and understand why folks quit or never get started.

Sleeping doesn’t happen much in large part because she refuses to be let down. Unless she is in her car seat moving, in her bouncy seat or being rocked. I am trying to figure out how to change that but have no ideas yet. I own this problem because until the last couple days I haven’t wanted to put her down.  But now I am getting over that I need freedom and she needs to learn to sleep in a crib or bassinet.

Help is crucial to my success.  Cudos to those having to do it alone.  My mom then Mark’s parents were here for the 1st couple weeks. I LOVED that and it helped me a ton.  I could feed her, get her to sleep then hand her off to someone so I can shower, do an errand or see my horse.  The help is gone and Mark took his 1st work trip this week. Oh lord do I miss the help.

The honest statement.  I need Kristi time or I get cranky.  I was so independant before having Rachel it’s been a hard adjustment being home 22 hours of the day. Yes I get to get out and go to the store, run to the barn quick but because of breast feeding she needs me close.  90% of the day I love being with her, kissing her, talking to her, playing with her but the other 10% wasn’t something I thought of. It’s that 10% that has me thinking maybe going back to work won’t be so bad. It’s selfish I know but will it help me be a better mom, only time will tell.

Am I happy I’ve finally crossed over to motherhood. Hot damn you bet it’s amazing and I look forward to everyday.  Sometimes I just stare and her and wonder, how did I get so lucky.  I always knew I was meant to be a mom I just didn’t know how good and natural it would feel.

God is so good!

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Pumpkins Birth Story

On Thursday June 9th we found out from a quick ultrasound that you were breech. We had been told for 3 weeks prior that you were head down. The only way to get you out safely was to have a scheduled c-section.  So we scheduled it for Tuesday June 14th because we had a very sick dog to take care of. Sadly on Saturday June 11th we let Gordy go. He was dying from cancer and had internal bleeding.

On Tuesday June 14th Mark, Grandma Pat and I checked into Williamson Medical Center at 9 am By 12pm the staff had me prepped and ready.  Dr. Ellington started the incision and I said “it smells like coffee.”  Mark said “No you like tea more.” What I though was coffee was my skin, eek!  Rachel came out at 12:33pm, they held her over the curtain and I said “Look at her ears,” the doctors laughed.  Then Rachel pooped and peed on me. I guess she had to go.  Turns out the cord was wrapped around her leg and up over her shoulder keeping her in place.

We were back in the room shortly after, then the love fest began.  We all took turns loving on you and shedding tears of joy for this AMAZING miracle.

Everyone says it “You will never know that kind of love till you have a child.” Man do I understand now.  Mark and I are o in love with Rachel it’s overwhelming.

I will have a better picture in the future.

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Good Bye My Sweet Puppy

Well it’s taken me a few days to come back and update my last post.  I won’t relive the whole story because it hurts too much.

Long story short – my compassionate and kind vet took it upon herself to do an ultrasound Friday night after I left him resting in his hospital cage.  Her gut just told her something else was going on because he still was paralyzed and now passing bloody stool.  The ultrasound revealed a tumor on his spleen and liver.  She called me at 6:30pm as I was driving in the country with Mark and my mom.  I went into la la land crying for the next hour because I knew what the tumors meant.  It was time to say good-bye to my fur baby.  Saturday morning my mom, Mark and I met the vet(she was supposed to go on vacation but came it just for me).  We spent time with him crying, kissing and hugging him.  It was so hard because he was so alert and normal(minus the paralysis). It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  Who knew you could love a dog so much.

I have spent the last 3 days crying, grieving and just plain being super sad.

The thing helping me through his loss is seeing gods grace, mercy and love every where.  From the timing of pumpkins arrival, the kindness of the vet, to the last 10 days I’ve had alone with him.  Since I have been on vacation since memorial day Gordy and I have spent every minute together.  We watched soaps together, napped, he got steak, hot dogs, all the horse manure he could stand and lots of my undivided attention.

Tomorrow will be a whole new story one I pray filled with 10 fingers and 10 toes.  Someone said to me yesterday “You have to experience the lowest of lows before you experience the highest of highs.”  I pray that it’s true and meeting Pumpkin takes my heart and spirit to a place I can’t imagine.  See you soon….

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Breech, C-Section and a very Sick Dog

Well here is one of hopefully very few pity posts.

1st – My sweet dog of almost 15 years is in the hospital.  Tuesday night he had gone to the barn with me.  He did his usual thing of sniffing, eating and hunting all things tasty.  Tuesday night he had an accident in the house, then another and another.  Wednesday morning I put him in the yard while I cleaned up the mess. I come back outside a few minutes later and he’s yelping in the backyard unable to move his hind end.  I run back inside to get my purse and come back out to find him laying down on the other side of the yard.  I pick him up and carry him to the vet.  He has been there for 36 hours with hind leg paralysis.  They are pumping him with IV fluids and trying out steroids, muscle relaxers, etc.  I am heading back in the morning to check on him again.  If he’s not better soon I will have to make the heart wrenching decision to put him to sleep.  Now I haven’t posted much about him because well I knew if I did it would probably be a farewell post and I just couldn’t stomach it.  But trust me when I say I love this dog, he has been my best friend, companion and baby for almost 15 years.  He has seen and done everything with me.  I wish he could live forever but I know that’s not possible.  I just would love to get a few more weeks with  him.

2nd – We met with my normal OB today for our weekly check up.  My normal OB has been out due to a hysterectomy the past month. So I have been seeing the other OB’s in the practice and all 3 for the last 3 weeks have been saying pumpkin was head down.  Well my normal OB took a little longer look see today and said “I’m not sure that’s a head.”  So out came the US machine and sure enough her butt is down and her head it up by my ribs.  Awesome!

3rd – There is little to no chance she is going to turn for me to have a vaginal delivery so we are scheduled for a c-section on Tuesday June 14th. Now the surgery doesn’t scare so much but the recovery does.  I don’t love the idea of being cut open and spending several weeks recouping.  But I don’t have much choice and I want pumpkin her safely. 

So as you can see I haven’t had the best couple of days.  But I do see gods grace and mercy all over this week.  The grace that pumpkin hasn’t arrived when I am trying to fight for my sick puppy.  The mercy that I have a scheduled c-section now which gives me more time to deal with said sick puppy and prepare for a c-section. 

So if you’re a christian and can pray for me I would appreciate it.  I need the peace and strength to do whats best for my dog.  If I have to say good-bye I pray for gods warmth to surround me so I can be the mother pumpkin needs.  If there is a miracle out there that my puppy can get stronger quickly so I can have a few more weeks with him I would appreciate it. The joy in knowing my little miracle will be here in 5 days.

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38 Week Update

We had our 38 week appointment today and we are inching closer to pumpkins arrival. I actually lost 2 pounds, not sure how that happened but it did.  I was concerned that she had stopped growing but the doc said nope she is bigger then last week.  So I guess she is just using my excess fat which is fine with me that’s less to lose when she gets here.  I haven’t had much appetite there’s not a lot of space to put food.  I eat because I have to but I am sneaking in a shake everyday to give her some fat. 

I am 1.5 centimeters dilated and 70% effaced, I have also lost my mucus plug so now we just wait for the contracts to starts.  Her head is farther down to so hopefully that means I can do a vaginal delivery.  But for those that have crossed over you know things can change on a dime. 

I am not fearing labor but I am getting more anxious about my life changes.  I guess it’s up to me how much I give up. Lunches with friends, riding, getting out of the house.  Knowing myself I will be out and about soon. I am not one to sit inside and watch tv.  When the doctor gives me the thumbs up pumpkin and I will be going places. 

Marks co-workers are finally throwing a baby shower on June 7th, yes that’s 5 days before her due date but better late than never I guess.  It’s very nice of them it just would be have been nice if it had been a month ago. 

So maybe by next weeks update I will have baby pictures to share and a birth story.

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36 Week Update

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. Things are going well, I still love hearing her heartbeat. I weighed in at 146lbs which is 4lbs away from my goal of 25 pounds. My doctor is happy with it and says pumpkin is roughly 6-6.5 lbs now. I’m not sure how they can tell but whatever. There is some progress with my cervix but Doc is confident it won’t be this week. I have 25 days to go and can’t wait to meet her. Mark and I can feel her legs getting stronger. He’s thinking she will be the next soccer star.

Her room is ready except for some shelves but Mark promises to have them up soon. He is also planning on painting our hallways this weekend. So the painting should be complete in a week or 2. We still need to install the carseat bases and have them inspected. Perhaps this weekend. Attached is my latest belly shot.

I start maternity leave on Tuesday May 31st. So my last day for 3 months will be next Friday. They are throwing a Farewell to Kristi party next Thursday. I am so touched by my companies support. It’s made this whole process much easier. I will come back Tuesday September 6 then I will decide whether to be a full time mom or work.

I am working on a post regarding crossing the bridge of infertility.  I hope it will encourage those still fighting.  It might be best to finish it when she gets her so I can truly speak from the heart.

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Roids and Daycare

Here it is my week 33 update. 

I had a good appointment today with pumpkin measuring 22 on the fundal height scale.  I have gained 17 pounds so I am up to 142.  Yep I started out at 125 after 3 IVF’s and a miscarriage.  My goal is still 25 pound weight gain so we shall see.  Her heart sounded perfect and her head is down.  Doc says it should stay down from now on.  Pumpkin is developing a pattern of activity in the afternoons and evenings. Then rests from say 11pm to mid afternoon.  Wouldn’t that be nice if she slept through the night within weeks of her arrival.

Don’t read if you hate TMI.  Bad news…I have a hem.roid, yuck.  It’s not hurting or bothering me it’s just gross and I want it to go away. Well according to Doc it will never go away. Once that vein pops out it’s out for good. Now it can shrink but will never completely go away.  Man I joked with one of my BFF’s a couple years ago that I would hate getting them. Well jokes on me but I will take it for a healthy pumpkin.

I also made an unscheduled stop at a daycare near our house this morning.  I’ve been told it’s best to just stop in so you can see the facility in all it’s glory.  This center is supposed to be the best in our county and has a great reputation.  It’s also expensive at $275 a week for infants.  I did like the facility though and the babies seemed healthy and happy.  They have a care giver for every 2 babies.  You don’t have to sign a contract in case you want to pull the child out.  They do require you to give them 2 weeks notice if your leaving. That will be perfect if I decide to be a SAHM right after my leave is up.

We have our 1st birthing class this weekend. So it should be a great learning experience.

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