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Crossing Over

I mentioned a few weeks ago I was working on a post about crossing over the infertility bridge.  I’ve spent the last 3 weeks thinking about what to write now that I’ve had a chance to be a mother.

For those still waiting for your call to motherhood trust me when I say never give up.  You will be a mother someday. It might not look like you dreamed, motherhood might come in another form or down a different path then you can ever imagine.

I’ve mentioned in the past I always thought I was meant to adopt, still do.  I never really thought god was calling me to pregnancy, and biological children.  I yearned to adopt I want to get that call from some agency, lawyer, or missionary that my child was ready.  Now that might still happen but it’s in gods hands, I know that now. I spent so many nights praying for god to open Mark’s heart to adoption.  In the end it wasn’t Mark’s heart that needed to change it was mine.  I had to lay it down for god and listen for his calling.  So called he did, to have 2 biological children. One here on earth and one in heaven.  Going through all the IVF’s was never that hard because I always heard in my mind “I’m meant to adopt”. So I never planned on the IVF’s working.

God you are great, you are graceful and merciful. Forgive me for doubting your path for me. Forgive me for trying to force what I thought was meant to be.  Your gift of Rachel is beyond anything I could have imagined.  She is perfect in everyway and your work is amazing.

Being a mother is all that I expected and more.  Right now it is way more demanding that I planned, especially with breast feeding.  I’m doing it because it’s whats best for her and I. I’m doing it because it’s a challenge(Cowgirl Up) but believe me I want to quit almost everyday.  It takes alot of time and energy to breast feed and understand why folks quit or never get started.

Sleeping doesn’t happen much in large part because she refuses to be let down. Unless she is in her car seat moving, in her bouncy seat or being rocked. I am trying to figure out how to change that but have no ideas yet. I own this problem because until the last couple days I haven’t wanted to put her down.  But now I am getting over that I need freedom and she needs to learn to sleep in a crib or bassinet.

Help is crucial to my success.  Cudos to those having to do it alone.  My mom then Mark’s parents were here for the 1st couple weeks. I LOVED that and it helped me a ton.  I could feed her, get her to sleep then hand her off to someone so I can shower, do an errand or see my horse.  The help is gone and Mark took his 1st work trip this week. Oh lord do I miss the help.

The honest statement.  I need Kristi time or I get cranky.  I was so independant before having Rachel it’s been a hard adjustment being home 22 hours of the day. Yes I get to get out and go to the store, run to the barn quick but because of breast feeding she needs me close.  90% of the day I love being with her, kissing her, talking to her, playing with her but the other 10% wasn’t something I thought of. It’s that 10% that has me thinking maybe going back to work won’t be so bad. It’s selfish I know but will it help me be a better mom, only time will tell.

Am I happy I’ve finally crossed over to motherhood. Hot damn you bet it’s amazing and I look forward to everyday.  Sometimes I just stare and her and wonder, how did I get so lucky.  I always knew I was meant to be a mom I just didn’t know how good and natural it would feel.

God is so good!


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24 Week Update

Do to pumpkins position at our 20 week scan we got to see her again last friday at 24 weeks 5 days.  I also did the glucose test which wasn’t as bad as suspected.  Like a pro infertile I lay on the ultrasound table while they drew blood for the tests.  I had nurses, techs, doctors coming in and out of the room, no biggie for us pros.

Well she is perfect. They got a shot of her lower spine and main artery in her heart.  She was facing the floor in the pike position so her legs were in front of her face again.  So god bless the tech for trying so hard to get us a good 4D shot of her face.  At one point Mark and I were talking to princess asking her to behave and the tech caught her smiling.  So we either have a naughty girl on our hands or a happy one.  We also confirmed she is a girl since her room has been painted and girl clothes are hanging in the closet. 

She weighed 1 lb 9oz and is in the 44th percentile for her age.  My cervix looks great and she is moving like a champ. 

Here is her smiling photo.

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Come out come out wherever you are

Aunt Flow where are you. Normally I wouldn’t miss you or care if you stayed away but I’m trying to get pregnant here and I can’t do that without you. It’s been 6 weeks since the D&C.

Now ladies don’t get excited I’m not pregnant I’ve tested that theory and its a BFN. If you had a miscarriage(I am really sorry) how long did it take Af to arrive?

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I need help with Friend Connect

Ladies, I have subscribed to several blogs via the Google Friend Connect thing. But I have no idea where to find the blogs I am following. I thought I would get updates sent to my gmail account.  Help.

Where do I find the list of blogs I am following via friendconnect? I’ve gone into my friendconnect profile but it’s only for those that follow me. Which I have none because I don’t have the friendconnect widget on my blog.

Am I making sense? I’ve tried to look to Google help but that didn’t help

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Finally back to negative

After 5 weeks my HCG is finally at 5 which is good enough for Dr C. I have been going in every week for a little prick and a little blood. Last week I went in and I came back at 7 so Dr C sent me back again. So hopefully AF is on her way. I am starting acupuncture next week and I am going to ask if she can do needle placement for egg quality.

I’ve been sucking down the bee poop(pollen) twice a day, Cq10 twice a day and Wheatgrass twice a day. We also hung a native american fertility sculpture(it was a gift from my BFF) above the headboard because it’s suppose to bring a baby. Hey I’m willing to try just about everything especially prayer.

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I am not hiding it anymore

All along I have been pretty open about what were going through. Most of our family and close friends know we are going through IVF.  Somethings I keep private because Mark has asked me to.  I have never felt ashamed or private about this infertility crap. I’m not a private person but Mark is so I have to find a balance with what I say.

So Saturday I went to a baby shower for a neighbor who was having her 3rd girl in less then 5 years. I know that’s a whole other post.  But I went because I like her and one of my best friends went with too.  The party was thrown by pregnant lady’s mothers group. So I was the only one out of 12 that didn’t have a child or children.  I knew the question was coming so I just waited for it. And….within 30 minutes of arriving another pregnant woman asked me “Do you have any children?” Nope “Do you want to have children?” Yes very badly but I have infertility issues and have gone through 2 IVF’s so far.  “Oh I am sorry I have a girlfriend that went through it to a couple times and now has twins.” We continued to chat about life, her child, future child, etc. 

I felt so free just to speak my truth. She may have been the 1st stranger I just answered honestly and I have to say I loved it.  In fact it might become my go to answer when folks ask about the kid situation.  Does anyone want to send me a badge of courage like the cowardly lion.  You don’t have to be in the land of Oz to find your courage.

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My big baby

Sunday I went trail riding with a friend.  I haven’t gone trail riding since last November.  Riding is one of the things I hated giving up during the pregnancy. So since we are still waiting for IVF #3 to get started I am enjoying the things I can’t do while pregnant.  Riding is one of my favorite things in life to do it’s my peace and therapy.

Roy is 12 and I’ve had him since he was 2. He is my big baby and I love him.  He loves to just rest his head on my should and be petted. He will close his eyes and just enjoy the affection.  He loves to eat and only gets grass because he is a easy keeper.  I took a couple pictures for your viewing pleasure:

Early into the ride Roy grabbed a mouthfull of grass. He ate everything except the one blade of grass. He held it there for 2 hours just in case he was going to starve to death.

About 3/4 into the ride I let Roy lead the way. I wasn’t steering him I just let him do his thing. He saw this clearing with picnic tables and posts. He pulled himself off to the side and stood right at the post.  He’s looking at his horse friend Jazzy who kept walking.

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